


hold onto me ('cause i'm a little unsteady)

by anemicaxolotl



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Body Image, Boyfriends, Boys In Love, Dancer Troy, M/M, Sex, even though he canonically says he's fine with his body lmao, sorry for projecting all my dance body image issues onto you troy, sorry for projecting there's really no point to this, this is entirely self-indulgent and i am the only target audience
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-19 10:15:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29749002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anemicaxolotl/pseuds/anemicaxolotl
Summary: Troy is insecure, and Abed tries to reassure him.
Relationships: Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir
Comments: 26
Kudos: 80





	hold onto me ('cause i'm a little unsteady)

Troy doesn’t feel like himself.

It’s not too often that he has crushing, uncomfortable, everything-feels-bad kinds of days, so he’s not totally sure what to do with himself. When he gets home, he sees Abed watching TV in the living room and waves vaguely to his boyfriend before sneaking over to his bed, kicking his shoes off and curling up on his side.

Abed doesn’t leave him alone for long, though. Within minutes – just enough time to pause his show and carefully replace the DVD back in its case, the case back on the shelf – he’s slipping into the blanket fort and joining Troy on the bottom bunk.

“Hey,” he whispers, leaning over Troy and kissing him soundly on the mouth, one hand coming up to cup his cheek. Troy melts a little at the tenderness of the touch, but today it also sparks a weird, shameful feeling in him. Within all his weird discomfort, he can’t help but stupidly wonder if maybe he doesn’t deserve this kind of attention, especially not today, especially not from Abed.

He’s so lost in his head he doesn’t even realize he’s not putting his usual enthusiasm into the kiss until Abed pulls back, frowning. “You okay?” he asks, his thumb brushing over Troy’s lip while his eyes thoughtfully catalog his expression. It makes Troy feel even guiltier.

“I’m fine,” he says, rolling awkwardly out from under Abed and pulling his knees to his chest. “Just…I don’t know. It’s dumb. Forget it.”

“It’s not dumb if it’s making you upset,” Abed says simply, dropping his hand so he can link his fingers with Troy’s. “Tell me what’s going on. I want to help you, if I can.”

Troy watches the way their hands fit together as he takes a deep breath and tries to collect his thoughts. “We had a costume fitting today in class. For the recital, you know.”

Abed nods.

“Well,” Troy sighs, “My measurements are…off. From last semester. Like, _way_ off, for a dance costume.” He can’t look at Abed as he blurts out, “I’ve gained a lot of weight.”

It’s embarrassing to admit, and it’s even more embarrassing to be so embarrassed about it, and Troy hates himself for even bringing it up in front of Abed, who by his own admission has self-esteem falling out of his butt and probably doesn’t even know the definition of the word shame.

Sure enough, a confused little crease appears between his eyebrows as he strokes the back of Troy’s hand. “Okay? Is that a bad thing? You quit football so you’re not training every day, I feel like it makes sense that you’d gain some weight.”

“Well, yeah, but…”

He can’t find the words to make Abed understand how awful it is to have to watch yourself in front of a mirror from the moment class starts until the moment it ends, entirely on display. How frustrating it is to see your shape change over time, especially when it’s getting thicker _,_ not longer, not leaner, like dancers are meant to be. How shameful it feels to have no place to hide and to know that everyone else in the class sees what you’re seeing, too.

“I’m trying to work out and watch what I eat, but it’s really hard to keep up with football conditioning on my own, so…I know I’m not as fit as I was before. My six-pack is, like, gone. And you’re…” Troy gestures vaguely toward Abed. “You look _so good,_ all the time. It’s embarrassing to be naked around you.”

He laughs dryly, running a hand over his face so he doesn’t have to look at Abed as he admits, “Sometimes I’m worried our bodies aren’t…compatible, or something. And I get nervous you’re going to stop being attracted to me.”

So, there. It’s out now. Troy exhales shakily and taps his fist on his knee, stalling until he works up the courage to glance at his boyfriend again.

What he sees surprises him, because Abed looks…shocked. Confused. And hurt, too. His grip tightens around Troy’s hand, but he doesn’t speak.

Troy says his name tentatively when the silence gets unbearable, but Abed just raises a finger and shakes his head, clearly deep in thought.

He finally takes a deep breath. “I don’t think I’m going to be very good at this conversation, but I want you to know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I love you _so much,_ Troy. You know that, right?”

Troy nods slowly, his heart fluttering the way it always does when he hears Abed say those words because he knows it means _no matter what, we’ll be okay._

“Okay. Good. So the next part. I know I’m supposed to tell you looks aren’t important and it’s what’s on the inside that counts, and that’s all true. You’re the best person I know, and that’s because you always think of others first and you take the time to understand me and you’re funny and joyful and a million other wonderful things. Those are the parts that make you _you,_ okay?”

As Troy nods again, Abed shifts them around so that Troy is leaning back against the pillows and Abed is kneeling over his lap, close enough to press their foreheads together briefly before pulling back and scanning his eyes over Troy’s face.

“But honestly,” Abed continues, his voice dropping in tone and volume, “even though I’d love you no matter what you look like – Troy, you are _so incredibly attractive,_ it blows my mind that you can’t see that about yourself. You could have your pick of anybody in the world and it’s unfathomable that you chose me.”

Now it’s Troy’s turn to frown as Abed runs his hands over his shoulders in soothing circles. “What? Abed – dude, _no,_ who wouldn’t pick you? I’d have to be an idiot to choose anyone else. And I – I used to be attractive,” he adds in a mumble. “That was Football Troy. This Troy is…”

He trails off when he feels Abed’s lips brush against his ear. “This Troy is just as attractive,” Abed breathes, causing Troy to shiver. “Just as beautiful. Just as sexy. You might feel like you look different now, but that just means you’re attractive in a slightly different way.”

His lips linger just below Troy’s ear before he turns and starts kissing Troy’s cheek, his jaw, his neck.

“I wish I could make you see what I see,” he whispers, before pulling back and looking at Troy seriously. “Can I try?”

Troy, a little dazed and trembly from the sudden shift, just nods. Abed smiles beautifully and leans in to kiss Troy on the lips this time, full and thorough.

“I love you,” he murmurs against Troy’s lips. “After this much time together I hope you know I really do love you to an embarrassing degree for probably at least a million reasons that have nothing to do with your physical appearance.”

“I love you too,” Troy whispers back, his hands coming up to grip the back of Abed’s hoodie and pull him closer.

Abed keeps his hands gentle against Troy’s face as they make out, and Troy keeps holding Abed close until the soft, simmering heat between them spikes into something more feverish and urgent. Abed nips at Troy’s lips and the resulting moan is enough to send both their hips rocking forward.

“I want to touch you, but not if you’re not comfortable with it right now,” Abed says, dropping his hands back to Troy’s shoulders. “Is that–”

“Yeah,” Troy answers immediately, because if anyone can make him feel at home again in his body, it’s Abed. “Yeah, it’s okay. Please touch me. Please.”

So Abed does, carefully, reverently, slipping his fingers under the hem of Troy’s shirt and gently lifting it over his head before his hands land against Troy’s chest. The contact is warm, and Troy’s eyes fall closed as Abed leans in to kiss him again.

“I’m trying to make you understand what I’m thinking,” he tells Troy quietly, “without saying the wrong thing or phrasing it in a way that’s going to sound bad to you. Because I promise I only have good things to say, but…I know this is a delicate subject and there are infinite ways I could screw this up.”

Troy pulls back so he can look at Abed fully. “Just be honest,” he says after a moment. “I know you’re not going to say anything to hurt me on purpose, so just…say what you’re thinking. I want to know the truth.”

Abed nods, pushing Troy deeper into the pillows until he’s lying down fully and Abed is hovering over him. He kisses Troy’s lips one last time before dropping his kisses lower, over Troy’s chin, his throat, down to his sternum.

“I really like your body,” he says suddenly, all in a rush. Like peeling off a band-aid. Maybe he’s scared Troy will bolt before he finishes all he has to say. “I don’t know how else to say it, I just – I love it. You always feel strong and warm, and it’s like you were genetically destined for cuddling. Like you were designed in a lab and instead of giving you radioactive spider venom, they gave you DNA that makes you ideal for being held tightly.”

To prove his point, he wraps his arms around Troy and holds him close, rolling them over and sitting up so that Troy is now straddling his lap. Abed squeezes him tight around the middle and presses kisses all across his bare chest.

“And we’re not incompatible at all, Troy,” he adds as his hands grip Troy’s hips. “I _like_ that we don’t have the same body type. Can you imagine how uncomfortable sex would be if you were shaped like me? It’d be like throwing sticks onto a campfire. I’m all bones, that would _hurt.”_

“Yeah, but…” Troy slips his hands under Abed’s shirt and touches his sides, up his chest to his shoulders. “But I love your body. You’re super hot.”

“To you, maybe.” Abed shrugs. “Other people might disagree.”

“Well, other people are stupid.”

Abed grins and puts a hand on the back of Troy’s neck to guide their faces closer together. “I think you’re getting it now,” he says before kissing him again.

And Troy thinks, _oh,_ and maybe does get it a little more. Especially when Abed rolls them over again so he can hover over Troy and brush his thumb over his cheek.

“I could talk about your body all night,” he says softly, “and how hot I think you are, and how sometimes at school it’s literally almost impossible to keep my hands off you. _Especially_ when I see you leaving your dance class.”

He sneaks his thumbs into Troy’s waistband and slides down his jeans and boxers all at once. “I could tell you how much I love your thighs,” he breathes, smoothing his hands over them and giving them a squeeze for emphasis. ““You have no idea how good they feel wrapped around me when I’m fucking you.”

Troy huffs out a laugh. “Sometimes I’m worried they’re going to break you in half.”

“God, I wish,” Abed murmurs absently. “That’d be so hot.”

Surprised, Troy laughs out loud for real at that, and Abed pulls back to raise his eyebrows at him, grinning. “I’m serious,” he smiles, ducking his head. “I love your thighs. And I love your ass. You have the best ass in the entire world, and I’m _not_ biased, I’m just stating the obvious.”

He sneaks his hands under Troy to give his ass a squeeze, grinning again at Troy’s gasp.

His eyes grow soft, though, as he almost whispers, “But all of that is kind of besides the point, because bodies change over time and one day you’re not going to look like this and I’m not going to look like this, either. And I’m still going to love you more than I’ve ever loved anything in the entire world.”

Troy feels his eyebrows lift – not that it’s surprising to hear that from Abed, not by any means, but because it still stuns him every time he hears it.

“Abed,” he says suddenly, reaching for his hoodie and T-shirt and struggling to undress his boyfriend in one swift motion.

Luckily Abed understands him – always does – and gets undressed quickly, his voice hushed and close to Troy’s ear as he holds him down to the bed. “S’okay, Troy. I got you.”

Tonight their foreplay is sweet and slow and seems to stretch on endlessly. Abed opens Troy up so carefully, so gently, kissing his cheek and whispering praise into his ear the whole time. He tells Troy how good he looks and feels and _is,_ just how good Troy is and how much Abed wants him, needs him, loves him. Troy is trembling by the time Abed pushes inside him, slowly, reverently.

He pauses to look down at Troy and gently touch him all over, his hands stroking up his legs to his hips, up and over his stomach, smoothing across his chest, gently rubbing his shoulders before coming to rest against his face.

“Sometimes I still can’t believe you’re mine,” he whispers, leaning in for a kiss as his hips slowly start to move.

Troy clings to him, burying his face in Abed’s neck and letting out noises that are half-moans, half-sobs, sounds that should be embarrassing but only seem to spur Abed on further. His hands are everywhere on Troy, touching and squeezing and stroking but never staying still for long, like he’s desperate to feel every inch of Troy he possibly can at once.

“I love you,” he pants close to Troy’s ear, finally reaching a hand in between them so he can get Troy off. “Love you so much.”

Troy can’t speak, just holds Abed tighter and mouths kisses along his neck, and rocks up against him, crying out when he finally feels his orgasm hit him. Abed slows down but continues to thrust into him, again and again, until his arms start to shake and his breath stutters. Troy clings to him, running a hand softly through his hair as Abed groans through his own orgasm.

They lay there, still and panting, until Abed finally pushes up enough to carefully scan over Troy’s face. Troy wonders what he’s looking for, evidence of tears or more insecurity or maybe a tell that Abed has made some kind of terrible mistake.

But there’s none of that. Troy just smiles, feeling impossibly lighter, if not desperately sleepy. “That was nice,” he whispers.

Abed smiles and bumps their noses together. “Clean up and then nap?” he offers.

Troy kisses him in response.

*

After their nap, in the dining room, Abed picks all the shooting-star marshmallows (Troy’s favorite) out of his bowl of Lucky Charms and launches them across the table into Troy’s mouth, setting a new high score for themselves.

Later, rinsing their bowls out at the sink, Abed suddenly slips behind Troy and squeezes him tightly until they’re pressed up together, back to chest, with not a breath of space between them. Troy laughs at the sheer and easy joy of the moment.

Abed’s breath tickles his ear as he speaks. “I’m always going to think you’re more than perfect,” he says quietly, almost like a confession. “But I know that me saying it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to believe it. I just want to try and help you see yourself the way I see you, so…if there’s ever anything I can do. Anything I can say to help you see yourself the right way. Please tell me, okay?”

Troy turns around to wrap his arms around Abed’s shoulders and hold him close. “Thank you,” he murmurs, kissing roughly around the spot where Abed’s heart is through his T-shirt. “I love you, Abed.”

Abed smiles, his eyes impossibly soft, before leaning in to plant a kiss to Troy’s temple. “I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is like...all projection and relevant to no one and not even close to canon-compliant personality-wise lol. But if you actually stayed with it til the end thanks for reading! <3
> 
> I'm still on slutabed on tumblr and making it everyone else's problem <3


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